The following is the Elf ‘n’ Safety take on some of our
favourite seasonal songs:
Please note that the following is meant as a bit of
seasonal fun, no Health & Safety practitioner would ever act like this
and the HSE itself do go to extreme lengths to bust these Elf ‘n’ Safety myths.
(Courtesy of Tony)
The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir
We will lend a coat of fur
We will rock you, rock you, rock you
We will rock you, rock you, rock you
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir
We will lend a coat of fur
We will rock you, rock you, rock you
We will rock you, rock you, rock you
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both
due to the risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore
faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be
considered a suitable alternative. Please note; only persons who have been
subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be
permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them
at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before
rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh
can be considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk
assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse
for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.
Please note; permission must be gained from landowners before entering their
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request
that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise
nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches
health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks
without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches,
stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested
that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they should
watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation
huts. Please note; the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining
his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been
issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB
and Glory.
Little Donkey
Little donkey
Little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards
With your precious load
Little donkey
Little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards
With your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how
heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also
included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey
and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please
note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and
Joseph are required to wear facemasks to prevent inhalation of any airborne
particles. The RSPCA has also expressed discomfort at donkeys being labelled
‘little’ and would prefer they just be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To
comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of
his equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as
it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘cash for
gold’ etc., gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested
gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the
recipient’s name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the
traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their
destinations and recommend the use of the RAC route finder or satellite
navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel
consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr. Donkey,
the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and
rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the
likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer?
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer?
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw him
You would even say it glows
You are advised that under the ‘Equal Opportunities for All’
policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the
ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R.
Reindeer from the Reindeer Games shall be considered discriminatory and
disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A
full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on
full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.